I have a terrible tendency to value my ideas of who I wish people were rather than accept who they really are. I put myself into relationships that are one-sided and toxic all for the sake of someone else’s unrealized potential. I don’t know exactly why. Maybe it’s because I spend so long talking them up in my own mind that I can’t see their actions unfolding before my eyes. I end up idealizing people that probably don’t appreciate any of my effort. This is how it goes:
I find myself unintentionally in love with someone. I don’t mean for my feelings to grow so much. In fact, I try to repress them. Unfortunately, not feeling is something I’ve never been good at. This affair is new, exotic, and dangerous. I feel wild and free. I believe this person is beautiful and brilliant. I would do almost anything to keep their attention. And I believe I have it. I overlook their short responses and the inconsistency of their affection. I am so caught up in how I can love this person, what I can do to make them happier, that I don’t see how it is hurting me.
The illusion falls apart on its own, long after I begin wishing I could stop loving this person. It doesn’t take a grand effort. I even give up on moving on somewhere along the way. It’s like my heart just changes its course. It decides to choose another path. And so I fall out of love just as effortlessly as it all had begun.
There’s something peacefully tragic in this. For so long I tried with painful effort to let go. I fought with myself. I tried to forget. I placed blame. All of this just left me miserable and still drawn to someone I knew wasn’t quite right for me. Then, in an instant, so unexpectedly, I just stopped wanting what I’d been fighting for. I let go of wanting this person to love me back with as much passion as I loved them. I know now that they were never able to do so, though it seemed at times like they did. While it still hurts, it’s not an immediate ache and longing like it was before. It is now simply a solemn acceptance and recognition that things were never meant to play out like I had so hoped.
I don’t regret it, but I am glad that it’s done. I’m happy to not feel so needy, to not require the affection of someone who is busy giving it to somebody else. I am satisfied with only their friendship now and no longer feel the desperation of wishing for more. After all is said and done, she helped me learn about a part of myself I was afraid to acknowledge, and that makes all of the pain worth it.
Inspired by “A Change of Heart” by The 1975
“You used to have a face straight out of a magazine.
Now you just look like anyone.
I just had a change of heart.
I feel as though I was deceived,
I never found love in the city,
I just sat in self-pity and cried in the car.
Oh, I just had a change of heart.”
Feigning Confidence 
This felt very therapeutic and self-analytical. I’m not so much here to critique as I am to respond. I enjoyed this for the reason of how relatable it is and how genuine it feels. Whatever incident occurred seems to have forced you take a step back and think some things over, find your self-worth, liberate you from a stalemate, come to realize that with this person “everything is everything” or “they are who the are.” This is part of being human, falling for illusions and breaking free from them. My response to this is: Don’t live in regret, regret how you lived and move forward with this understanding. Miss the memories not the person. These are thoughts I created for myself in order to lessen the extent of the pain absence and heartbreak can cause. Of course I’m not sure what exactly happened, and I won’t assume. All I can say is I’m with you.
If you wanted it, here’s one thought for critiquing lol: A scene or two demonstrating the lack of love/affection that was received could help this be more vivid. It’s not hard to picture the situation as is, but adding such may enhance the emotion and relatability of this already emotionally relatable post.
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Thank you! I appreciate the response and I think I will add more specific scenes over time. I was hesitant to at first because I didn’t want to reveal her identity, but I’m sure I can figure it out!
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